='( ={ :/ =] =} ={ ='(

I had a Very emotional day today. Maybe it's because I didn't have much to do at work, but I sat there thinking about my life and questioned every aspect of it. I know I'm not rational these days and it's getting to me...
I started wondering if I should really get married. (I should) Should I get a new job? (No) Should I wait to go back to school? (I shouldn't but I will because my health is more important right now) Oh, and then the question is "what do I go to school for?"
Of course each question was pondered in great length and detail...just way too much to write, I don't have the patience to type it all out.


I feel like everyone is out to get me, in some way shape or form, my life is just here for people to stomp on me, to get what they want and need and then move me aside. Consciously, I know this is not true, but emotionally, I feel this way today.


I really wish it wasn't frowned upon to bang my head against the wall or to cry at work. ={

So tired of being tired...

The past two weeks or so, I have been experimenting on ways to get a better nights' sleep.

I've tried:

• Having a drink close to bed time to get me drowsy - 
• that just made me wake up in the night to get a drink of water, that in turn made me wake up to use the restroom.
• Staying up later than usual to make me more tired - 
• just makes me want to sleep in in the morning.
• Going to bed early so I won't sleep in - 
• made me wake wide awake around 3am and just stare at the ceiling for what seems like hours then if I get up then to start my day, I'm exhausted by 10am.
• Don't drink coffee more than one 8oz. cup in the morning
• dead tired by 2pm, have to have another cup
• Big cup of coffee in the morning to keep myself going longer
• can't fall asleep cause my mind is still going full speed

What else can I do...? 

I go for my follow up next Monday...fingers crossed something will get better afterwards.

Ouch Again...actually Still.

My left arm has been hurting more than usual lately but more of a sprained feel, not shooting pain as much, and my right eye is twitching almost non stop. Not to mention my throat has been feeling Really swollen. I know the pollen count around LA has been high and seems to keep climbing. Thanks wind!
I've been better emotionally, but still think I'm having anxiety attacks. Fun Fun! (At least I haven't lost my sarcasm. lol!)
Only another week until I get blood drawn for my follow up. I am excited at the thought of my levels being lower. Not expecting anything miraculous though. Better to expect the worst and hope for the best than the other way around I think.

Thoughtfulness...

So last night after I posted, I just stared into space for a while, then emotions came over me and I started crying.  Not sure if it was from feeling bad about how aggravated I get, or because I miss my sister, or something completely irrelevant. 


I haven't been sleeping much, and when i do, it's not very restful. I thought that it was supposed to get better once I'm on meds.? 


I've thinking a lot about how I've acted over the past year since I was aware something was not right with me. I've read over and over again how people have the "Graves' Rage" and Explode. I don't think I've had that severe of a case of that, I just tend to be more "snippy" and sarcastic. If I did explode, I usually had a good reason behind it. Truly. I've always been one to hold in my anger and frustration, but now I realize that it just makes me depressed. I hope to find a way to release my anger and frustration in a way that is harmless to me and others. Writing this blog has been a great step in the right direction, I think. Another thing I believe I've realized and am acting positively on, I've Always been a People Pleaser. Now, I make sure to either say no, or to at least tell whomever is asking of me that I will try, but cannot promise to get the results they want. I know now how important is Really is to take care of myself first. It's lesson Learning, not fully learned, so anyone reading this, have patience with me please! =)


I try to stay positive in all aspects of life and I know that lately I've been complaining a lot. For this I apologize. Sometimes the negativity of things become to strong for my will to handle. Today is a good day as you might have guessed, I am hoping it continues to be. The weather warming up has most definitely helped. =) Sunshine really does make me happy! 

I still get aggravated...

Let me start off saying: I love my sister, very much, and my day was pretty good considering life in general these days. 

My sister is has Down Syndrome, she's 21, funny, adorable, loving, and of course, aggravating... She does not speak very well, sitting in front of her I have a difficult time understanding her but when she calls me (EVERYDAY) I have No idea what she talks about half the time. I try so hard to listen intently, I ask her to repeat herself more clearly, I repeat what I believe she is saying, but with not avail. I want so badly to be able to carry a full conversation with her without getting worked up so much that I abruptly end our calls. I have explained to her that I am not well, that being sick makes me seem mean sometimes, but I'm not sure she understands or at least remembers. Sheesh, I forget sometimes too, so I can't get too upset about it all.

If I am not in physical pain, it's emotional or mental. Not one minute of being just Okay. When will it end?  What options will work for me? Every day I ask myself this, yet no answer has been revealed. 

ouch

My ams are killing me. It's the same shooting pains that I had when I came off the methimezole a few months ago. I don't know what to do to make it stop, or at least not hurt so much. 
I've been back on the methimezole, same dose too for a whole week now. I am wondering if it has something to do with the fact I am due for that time of the month, like a rush of hormones screwing me up even more. Taking Aleve doesn't help much if at all. 
I feel like such a baby, no worse than. Babies are resilient, I don't think I am anymore. 

Sleep does wonders

I went to bed last night at 9:30, and slept in until 7:08 this morning. Although, sleeping was not the only thing that went on last night. I was woken up multiple time with dreams. Some Horrible, some just plain weird. I only really remember one and it was a weird one. 
My mind feels a little clearer than it has the past few days...

It's only been a few days

I know it's only been a few days since starting my meds., but I'm about ready to quit. I feel more tired than if I'd spent the night snow plowing. My eyes are so dry and crusty. =( I even feel moodier than without meds. The poor people around me! Ha.


I have a vivid memory from a month or two before I was Diagnosed of thinking that maybe I was BiPolar... The way that I felt then, is how I've been feeling lately. I still wonder a little if maybe there is a chance I could be. Then I remind myself that it is all caused by GD. It is still amazing to me how one little organ can screw up your whole body And your way of thinking. 


I am hoping that today will be a little better.

URGH!!!!

I feel So off. I'm exhausted!!! Didn't sleep much last night, between sweating and freezing, I couldn't get comfortable. Today went better than I expected, but I felt really snippy, like I was just waiting to go over the edge... I probably still could if I don't take a quick nap... My head has been pounding all day, but I hate having to keep taking Aleve. 
Taking Methimezole seems to be throwing me for a loop...I'm hoping it's a sign that things will be getting better.


Oh, I've been craving Sweet stuff even more today than ever. I hope I don't put on the 13lbs. I just lost...

and the Dr. said...

She suggests that I take the RAI...not such a fan of that idea. I've read through a page on facebook that it could sometimes take two times for the RAI to work, and then I could go HypO.  Or she said I could just keep going with medications and see if I can possibly level out, eventually. 


I'm nervous to make such a life changing decision... it seemed ok to me to just see what happens, but now the thought that something should be done, make things seem so much more frightening. Mostly because my fiance and I want to start a family in the next year or so.


I guess I'll just keep doing research and see what feels like the best choice.

Weight Loss and such...

13lbs. and counting in the last month since being off Methimezole. I am going to my new Endocrinologist tomorrow morning. Hoping that whatever medication she puts me on does not make me gain weight. I love the weight I am at right now. I would prefer to stay at it until at least after my wedding. I do hope though, that my acne will get better, nothing like red splotchy bumpy skin for wedding pictures... :(

Things could be worse, so I am very grateful they aren't.

There is one aspect of this disease that I cannot understand; I am always cold, unless I am putting a lot of effort into something. Then, I am sweating profusely. All I read and hear is that I should be sweating or at least very warm at all times... I plan on asking my Dr. about it tomorrow, I'll let you know what she says.

Cleaning is so rewarding

It sounds so lame when I write it out, but it really is so rewarding. You see the results. I vacuumed and steam cleaned my carpets today. Not every room, but the high traffic areas. It was amazing how dirty they really were. I am home alone this morning due to my fiancé's work schedule. I thought I would be really lonely, but I'm not. At least not today. It's actually pretty nice to blast My music and do my own thing in my own time. Honey, don't get the wrong idea, I don't mind your music, but sometimes it just doesn't cut it... ;) I need music that speaks to Me, songs that I can relate to or can make me feel peaceful...or angrier, depending on my mood... lol. Today, it's been a mix of country, Enya, and Contemporary Christian - Upbeat and some more solemn. oooh, and there's Rage Against the Machine while I'm tackling stains in the carpet... Hahaha...

I've been working on the bathroom all morning, but I just can't seem to focus on it...I guess I better go finish up. I'll write more later, if I remember to.

ha!

Ok, so I started the last post a few days ago, but ran out of thoughts.


Today's real post:
I am so glad to just be home from work. Don't get me wrong, I love my job!!! I just prefer to stay home and do "nothing", who doesn't. When I am done here, I PLAN to start my cleaning so tomorrow I can relax all alone, maybe finish the new book I am sucked into... Oh, just remembered I need to come up with something to make for dinner tonight. I am so out of ideas, nothing jumps out at me anymore. Always hungry but I don't crave anything and can't decide what to eat, especially if it means I have to put an effort in to have it. So, I am sitting here drinking a glass of wine pondering how I can make a Fat Free or Reduced Fat Chicken dinner... Trying to watch what I eat, not to have a gluten free diet as I've noticed other Graves' People are, (that's impossible for Me) but I do want to eat healthier and don't need to pack on the pounds before my wedding, especially since once I'm back on meds, I'll probably crave EVERYTHING, cake for one... Mmmm cake does sound good. How bad would it be if I made Cake for dinner...?  I have read that sweets are bad for me...why? I Love things like SUGAR and CHOCOLATE!! I NEED Chocolate! Can't live without it!!! Ok, so I have been craving certain foods,  besides cake. Chocolate Chip Cookies, Ice Cream (but I don't want to be cold) Twix Bars - recently addicted to them, sad that the vending machine at work replaced them with snickers, I'm tired of those, Sugary Cereals, yummm... I've also been wanting McDonald's French Fries, I had some the yesterday, now I can't stop thinking about getting more...and maybe some apple pies. Ok, well I better stop writing about food. I might as well start making something and see how it turns out. Chicken-Here we come.

having some good days...

The last few days have been mentally pretty good. Only a few times that I wanted to scream and beat the wall or my computer... I've been able to actually appreciate what I have. 


I get to finally go to a Dr., had my blood drawn this morning. Praying that things are getting better. My Primary Dr. assumes that I will be put back on the same meds., just on a larger dose.
I heard today that one of my favorite baseball players might be dealing with an over active thyroid...proof it can happen to anyone. Maybe now there will be light shined on diseases like this and maybe more research, hopefully better treatments than those out there now. What a dream...right?