Saturday, February 19, 2011

Deeper Thoughts

It's been a very long time since I've been able to think, deeply. 
My head has been clouded by this disease (literally and  figuratively) and the medication dosage fluctuations. I believe they really made it difficult for me to think and to feel simultaneously. The last year and a half has been only a fuzzy memory. Most of what I remember is sadness, feeling lost, frustration and emptiness.

The last couple weeks has been, an awakening. An awakening of feelings, thoughts, emotions and clarity. All mixed together yet separate, each in their own way. For the first time in what seems like forever, I've been able to tell my emotions apart. I feel happy again...!!! This feeling I've missed the most. This disease took away so much of me, who I am, my quirks, my humor, my overall outlook on life. During this past year I knew this, but it hasn't been until now that I realized the extent of it. As much as I dislike what I felt, or didn't feel, what I've gone through has helped me appreciate what I had, what I now have and what could be in the future.

I know this clarity might not last forever and that it's not as good as it could be, but if it sticks around for even a few more weeks, I will be content for the year (I say for ;) I find myself looking forward to each day as a new beginning. A brighter, fresh, exciting beginning of life, my life.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Feeling Pretty Great!

It's been just over a week of reduced medication, (5mg. from 15mg.) and I feel so much better! My mind feels clearer, I feel like I have energy again,  I can actually remember things, and not just my day to day things, but even things from when I was a's been a while since I've been able to do that. =] I still clench my teeth, but sleeping is easier... =)
I know that I am not 100% and probably won't be for a long time, if ever, but I am very grateful for feeling as well as I do, now.

I'm looking forward to a full night's sleep tonight before I start my new job tomorrow. =]