Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Emotions and Patience

For so long, my emotions were either so intense I couldn't sort them out, or they were nonexistent. 

Now, I think they are on point. But I am having a hard time allowing myself to just feel them. I've been running away from them, afraid of what I feel.

Last night, I had an amazing clarification. Something as simple as laying in savasana on the living room floor allowed me to clear my mind, take deep breathes and give myself a chance to bare my body and soul to my mind. 
I let myself be me, in all my flaws, in all my fascinations, regrets and hopes for the future. I layed it out for myself and did not judge. This allowed me to let go, to release the anxiety, expectations and stresses I hold myself to. Life is not perfect, I may not be where in life I want to be, but I will get there and I can't allow myself to beat me up for not being "on schedule". 

I need to remember that, not only does my body still need to heal, but so does my heart and mind. Four years of emotional and physical roller coasters does not get fixed overnight, or even in a few months. It may take me years and as scary as that is to me, I've realized I need to let myself be ok with that. 

I've always had patience with others, now I need to learn to have it with myself. 

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Five months Post-Op

Time flies! I can't believe it's been five months since I had my thyroid removed. Things have been pretty crazy. Life can be quite overwhelming but I feel like I'm heading in a good direction.

I had my levels tested last week and according to my Dr., my thyroid and calcium levels are normal. I am looking forward to my next appointment, to talk to him and see how many changes he'll notice and to get a copy of the report so I can compare to the past year. 

As far as how I am feeling...overall I feel great. There are days where I still get pains in my arms but it's not nearly as bad as it had been. I still feel like I'm tired a lot of the time, but that just seems to be a part of life, no matter what I do to improve my sleep. I've gone through a lot of changes in a short amount of time this year, beyond just the surgery. I can not complain with how I am adjusting. Mentally, I feel so much more clear, emotionally I feel more connected to myself than I had ever been. 
About a month after my surgery I was still felling pretty crappy, hormanally, so I took myself off birth control and within a week I felt soooo much better. But I am still feel like I am getting cysts, so I am looking for a new Dr., to get on a better path of control with that. I'm not sure what else can be done, as my personal research has not brought anything to light. 

My scar is looking pretty great. I'm not sure if the one section is just skin overlap or if it's a keloid scar. Either way, I am not worried. I have no remorse or embarrassment from my scar. It's a constant reminder that I am better off than I was before. 

I am feeling more myself than I have in years past and am so grateful for this. I will not ever take for granted having a clear mind and healthy body. There is sure to a bumpy road ahead as life goes on, but I will not let myself be discouraged as I have in the past. Life is too short and too amazing to let this disease control any part of it. I may never be able to conquer Graves' Disease, but I can control how I let it affect me. 

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Surgery Update

I don't really know how to put things into the appropriate words. But I feel pretty darn amazing!

My surgery day started with a mix of dread, excitement and anxiety. The drive down to the hospital was wave after wave of these emotions. I was a jittery mess waiting for the hospital staff to get the ball rolling. Once I was in my gown, things time seemed to go fast and slow at the same time.

All the nurses and my surgeon came by while I was waiting to go in and made me feel very comfortable. The constant questioning was a bit overwhelming at times, but I couldn't ask for better hospital staff.

When the anesthesiologist came in with the drugs, the affect was immediate. I felt like in was on cloud nine as I was wheeled into the operating room. My surgeon held my hand and made sure I was comfortable and ok while I went under, into the deepest, most restful sleep I've ever had. I've never felt so cared for by medical staff.

The instant I woke up, I felt an overwhelming heat. Like my body was steaming itself, inside out. But as I came to a fuller awareness and the nurses did their best to cool me down, I realized a change in the way my body felt. My mind was cloudy from the sedatives and pain killers, so the most noticeable change didn't strike me until later in the evening.
I felt calm, peaceful and fairly rested despite the pain in my throat.

On the way home from the hospital, I realized that my body was calm. I was not shaking or feeling jittery. This has been something I haven't felt in years. To be able to sit, stand or lie down without some part if my body moving uncontrollably, was the most noticeable and wonderful thing. My heart rate is normal again, another amazing realization, to not feel the beating radiating throughout my whole body is an indescribable emotional, calm.

As the days go on, I feel more and more tired as my body heals, and the mental clarity goes up and down. But I know as time goes on and my body adjusts things will only get better. The incision looks great, the swelling has fluctuated but is down today. My surgeon said there would be bruising, but I have yet to see much if any at all.

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Dazed & Confused

In a haze of anxiety and surreal-ness.

Waiting for the unknown is the hardest thing in the world to do. I still have no idea what time my surgery will be and that is eating me alive!

Thursday, April 25, 2013

One week until Surgery

May 3rd is coming up quicker than I am prepared for. It has taken so long to get everything scheduled that it feels like a year, and now I'm down to the wire. The anticipation is like nothing I've ever felt before, a mix of emotions, I don't really know how to interpret some. Anticipation, fear, excitement, nervousness, relief, and anxiety are the ones I recognize. Maybe the blend of all is what is causing my confusion.

This week has been a bit stressful, strenuous even. I have had more blood drawn in two days than I have had in six months prior. More questions asked than I knew how to answer. The questions were probably the hardest to "deal" with. Detailed answers required to clear me for the impending procedure. The knowledge of my physical being, mental stability and emotional awareness has been pushed aside in order to function in my daily routine, now surfaced and scrutinized. The stresses I've been avoiding have now been shoved into the forefront of my mind. I have now have been analyzing and probably over analyzing every detail of my life of the past six months. The timeframe of my spike in hormonal levels. I am exhausted, frustrated and amazed at my ability to so easily push aside things that make me, me, just in order to be able to be responsible. Being aware of what I am capable of is empowering, mind blowing and scary. I am nervous and excited about what I will be capable of once my body is functioning at healthy, optimal levels.

So many questions swarm in my mind. Who will I be? Will my personality change? Will my feelings surface? Will my focus be regained? For so long I have been diseased, my whole life an emotional, physical and mental roller coaster. Will my body and my mind finally be one? Will I be able to handle the changes? Will the battle of too much energy and not enough finally balance out? Will I finally be able to consistently follow through on things I say I'll do?

The anticipation is sometimes too much to bare, and so as is my usual response, i am pushing aside the feelings and thoughts in order to get through the next seven days.

As always, thank you for your support, thoughts and prayers.

Side note: my surgery day will be chronicled by pictures and videos from my closest friends. They have been the best support system anyone could ask for. I am grateful beyond words for them.
I will update as soon as I am able. :)

Goodbye old and hello New!

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Last Labs

I am in disbelief at my most current levels. I know I have been off and not feeling that great, but these are just so out of range for me while being on meds, that I'm in shock.

My last labs done in Dec. 2012, before being put on 10mg. of Methimezole 1x a day, were not that much worse than they are now. In fact, TSH didn't change at all, T3 went up but both T4s have come down.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Most recent Labs showed...

That my levels are still high. I now have to take 10mg. of Methimezole every 8 hours in order to get my levels stable enough for surgery...and I have to go again for labs on April 22nd. I have my pre-admissions testing on the 23rd and medical clearance appointment with my GP on the 24th.
Phew! What a busy, exhausting and draining week that will probably be.

Less than 4 weeks to go till surgery and I am getting more anxious and excited, every day.

My allergies have been really bad the past few days causing my glands to swell. Hoping to get them under control soon!!

Friday, March 29, 2013

Surgery Consultation

I went to my surgery consultation on March 28th. I feel more confident that surgery is the right option for me. My Dr. is great, he's funny, had great mannerisms and I feel comfortable with his experience.
One of my best friends came with me and I know I wouldn't have been able to Absorb all the information had I been there alone. I knew most of what the Dr. spoke about from doing my own research. But now feel much better knowing that what I've read is accurate.

I have some appointments with my other doctors in preparation for the removal. I am on a beta blocker (which makes me feel different, not sure what it is, I just feel there's a change) and I had blood drawn yesterday to have my levels checked. I hope to get the results by next week.

The operation itself does not scare me at all, but the way I will feel afterwards is what is weighing on my mind. I have been aware if being so up and down for the past 3 1/2 years, that I don't know what healthy and "normal" should feel like. Will it be a more physical lightness and calm or will it be more emotional/mental? Or could it be both...? I know I've mentioned in past posts that I believe this is something I've had my entire life. The ups and downs correlate with many events in the past. So having consistent levels from now on will be a completely new experience that I am looking forward to with excitement, anticipation and nervousness.

I will update again when things are more concrete and closer to May 3rd, my surgery date.

Thank you for your thoughts, prayers concerns and encouraging words.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Surgery....But WAIT!

I finally, after waiting almost a month, have a date for my Surgery CONSULTATION. March 28th, I was told that the actual Surgery won't be until at least FOUR WEEKS AFTER the Consult.

Needless to say, I am full of mixed emotions. Glad to have an idea of when, but frustrated that I have to wait so long. I've considered finding a new Endocrinologist, but I do trust my current one and he said the surgeon is worth waiting for as he is, and I quote "Outstanding".

So I will continue to take my thyroid inhibitor and try to have an overall healthier lifestyle in hopes of enjoying the wait, (as much a possible).

Fingers crossed that the waiting will go quickly.

Thank you to all who have supported me, I can't tell you how much I appreciate the kind words and offers for help. 

Julie :)

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

HYPER Again...Next Step Is....

I've not been feeling myself at all lately: racing heart, palpitations, sweating, temp fluctuations, foggy mind/confusion and anxiety among some other things.

I've been in remission for over a year and a half but some Big changes have happened in my life and now I've gone Hyper again! 

I went for blood work about three weeks ago, when my Dr.'s office called to say they received the report, they said I needed to come in asap! Thanks to the holidays, I had to wait until yesterday.

My Dr. wants to do something more permanent. I could do RAI (radioactive iodine) or surgery. I have opted for SURGERY, 95% of my thyroid will be removed.

I am really looking forward to having something done, once and for all. I will admit that I am nervous about the surgery, but I know many people have had this procedure done and are now better for it.

My current levels are:

TSH - 0.01 L

T4, Total - 33.3 H
T3, Uptake - 40 H
T4, Free, Calculated 13.3 H

I am hoping that being on 10mg. methimezole will bring my levels closer to normal so I don't have to wait long for surgery.

Keeping my fingers crossed.