Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Emotions and Patience

For so long, my emotions were either so intense I couldn't sort them out, or they were nonexistent. 

Now, I think they are on point. But I am having a hard time allowing myself to just feel them. I've been running away from them, afraid of what I feel.

Last night, I had an amazing clarification. Something as simple as laying in savasana on the living room floor allowed me to clear my mind, take deep breathes and give myself a chance to bare my body and soul to my mind. 
I let myself be me, in all my flaws, in all my fascinations, regrets and hopes for the future. I layed it out for myself and did not judge. This allowed me to let go, to release the anxiety, expectations and stresses I hold myself to. Life is not perfect, I may not be where in life I want to be, but I will get there and I can't allow myself to beat me up for not being "on schedule". 

I need to remember that, not only does my body still need to heal, but so does my heart and mind. Four years of emotional and physical roller coasters does not get fixed overnight, or even in a few months. It may take me years and as scary as that is to me, I've realized I need to let myself be ok with that. 

I've always had patience with others, now I need to learn to have it with myself. 

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Five months Post-Op

Time flies! I can't believe it's been five months since I had my thyroid removed. Things have been pretty crazy. Life can be quite overwhelming but I feel like I'm heading in a good direction.

I had my levels tested last week and according to my Dr., my thyroid and calcium levels are normal. I am looking forward to my next appointment, to talk to him and see how many changes he'll notice and to get a copy of the report so I can compare to the past year. 

As far as how I am feeling...overall I feel great. There are days where I still get pains in my arms but it's not nearly as bad as it had been. I still feel like I'm tired a lot of the time, but that just seems to be a part of life, no matter what I do to improve my sleep. I've gone through a lot of changes in a short amount of time this year, beyond just the surgery. I can not complain with how I am adjusting. Mentally, I feel so much more clear, emotionally I feel more connected to myself than I had ever been. 
About a month after my surgery I was still felling pretty crappy, hormanally, so I took myself off birth control and within a week I felt soooo much better. But I am still feel like I am getting cysts, so I am looking for a new Dr., to get on a better path of control with that. I'm not sure what else can be done, as my personal research has not brought anything to light. 

My scar is looking pretty great. I'm not sure if the one section is just skin overlap or if it's a keloid scar. Either way, I am not worried. I have no remorse or embarrassment from my scar. It's a constant reminder that I am better off than I was before. 

I am feeling more myself than I have in years past and am so grateful for this. I will not ever take for granted having a clear mind and healthy body. There is sure to a bumpy road ahead as life goes on, but I will not let myself be discouraged as I have in the past. Life is too short and too amazing to let this disease control any part of it. I may never be able to conquer Graves' Disease, but I can control how I let it affect me.