Now, I think they are on point. But I am having a hard time allowing myself to just feel them. I've been running away from them, afraid of what I feel.
Last night, I had an amazing clarification. Something as simple as laying in savasana on the living room floor allowed me to clear my mind, take deep breathes and give myself a chance to bare my body and soul to my mind.
I let myself be me, in all my flaws, in all my fascinations, regrets and hopes for the future. I layed it out for myself and did not judge. This allowed me to let go, to release the anxiety, expectations and stresses I hold myself to. Life is not perfect, I may not be where in life I want to be, but I will get there and I can't allow myself to beat me up for not being "on schedule".
I need to remember that, not only does my body still need to heal, but so does my heart and mind. Four years of emotional and physical roller coasters does not get fixed overnight, or even in a few months. It may take me years and as scary as that is to me, I've realized I need to let myself be ok with that.
I've always had patience with others, now I need to learn to have it with myself.