It's been a very long time since I've been able to think, deeply.
My head has been clouded by this disease (literally and figuratively) and the medication dosage fluctuations. I believe they really made it difficult for me to think and to feel simultaneously. The last year and a half has been only a fuzzy memory. Most of what I remember is sadness, feeling lost, frustration and emptiness.
The last couple weeks has been, an awakening. An awakening of feelings, thoughts, emotions and clarity. All mixed together yet separate, each in their own way. For the first time in what seems like forever, I've been able to tell my emotions apart. I feel happy again...!!! This feeling I've missed the most. This disease took away so much of me, who I am, my quirks, my humor, my overall outlook on life. During this past year I knew this, but it hasn't been until now that I realized the extent of it. As much as I dislike what I felt, or didn't feel, what I've gone through has helped me appreciate what I had, what I now have and what could be in the future.
I know this clarity might not last forever and that it's not as good as it could be, but if it sticks around for even a few more weeks, I will be content for the year (I say for now...lol). ;) I find myself looking forward to each day as a new beginning. A brighter, fresh, exciting beginning of life, my life.