One week until Surgery

May 3rd is coming up quicker than I am prepared for. It has taken so long to get everything scheduled that it feels like a year, and now I'm down to the wire. The anticipation is like nothing I've ever felt before, a mix of emotions, I don't really know how to interpret some. Anticipation, fear, excitement, nervousness, relief, and anxiety are the ones I recognize. Maybe the blend of all is what is causing my confusion.

This week has been a bit stressful, strenuous even. I have had more blood drawn in two days than I have had in six months prior. More questions asked than I knew how to answer. The questions were probably the hardest to "deal" with. Detailed answers required to clear me for the impending procedure. The knowledge of my physical being, mental stability and emotional awareness has been pushed aside in order to function in my daily routine, now surfaced and scrutinized. The stresses I've been avoiding have now been shoved into the forefront of my mind. I have now have been analyzing and probably over analyzing every detail of my life of the past six months. The timeframe of my spike in hormonal levels. I am exhausted, frustrated and amazed at my ability to so easily push aside things that make me, me, just in order to be able to be responsible. Being aware of what I am capable of is empowering, mind blowing and scary. I am nervous and excited about what I will be capable of once my body is functioning at healthy, optimal levels.

So many questions swarm in my mind. Who will I be? Will my personality change? Will my feelings surface? Will my focus be regained? For so long I have been diseased, my whole life an emotional, physical and mental roller coaster. Will my body and my mind finally be one? Will I be able to handle the changes? Will the battle of too much energy and not enough finally balance out? Will I finally be able to consistently follow through on things I say I'll do?

The anticipation is sometimes too much to bare, and so as is my usual response, i am pushing aside the feelings and thoughts in order to get through the next seven days.

As always, thank you for your support, thoughts and prayers.

Side note: my surgery day will be chronicled by pictures and videos from my closest friends. They have been the best support system anyone could ask for. I am grateful beyond words for them.
I will update as soon as I am able. :)

Goodbye old and hello New!

Last Labs

I am in disbelief at my most current levels. I know I have been off and not feeling that great, but these are just so out of range for me while being on meds, that I'm in shock.

My last labs done in Dec. 2012, before being put on 10mg. of Methimezole 1x a day, were not that much worse than they are now. In fact, TSH didn't change at all, T3 went up but both T4s have come down.

Most recent Labs showed...

That my levels are still high. I now have to take 10mg. of Methimezole every 8 hours in order to get my levels stable enough for surgery...and I have to go again for labs on April 22nd. I have my pre-admissions testing on the 23rd and medical clearance appointment with my GP on the 24th.
Phew! What a busy, exhausting and draining week that will probably be.

Less than 4 weeks to go till surgery and I am getting more anxious and excited, every day.

My allergies have been really bad the past few days causing my glands to swell. Hoping to get them under control soon!!

Surgery Consultation

I went to my surgery consultation on March 28th. I feel more confident that surgery is the right option for me. My Dr. is great, he's funny, had great mannerisms and I feel comfortable with his experience.
One of my best friends came with me and I know I wouldn't have been able to Absorb all the information had I been there alone. I knew most of what the Dr. spoke about from doing my own research. But now feel much better knowing that what I've read is accurate.

I have some appointments with my other doctors in preparation for the removal. I am on a beta blocker (which makes me feel different, not sure what it is, I just feel there's a change) and I had blood drawn yesterday to have my levels checked. I hope to get the results by next week.

The operation itself does not scare me at all, but the way I will feel afterwards is what is weighing on my mind. I have been aware if being so up and down for the past 3 1/2 years, that I don't know what healthy and "normal" should feel like. Will it be a more physical lightness and calm or will it be more emotional/mental? Or could it be both...? I know I've mentioned in past posts that I believe this is something I've had my entire life. The ups and downs correlate with many events in the past. So having consistent levels from now on will be a completely new experience that I am looking forward to with excitement, anticipation and nervousness.

I will update again when things are more concrete and closer to May 3rd, my surgery date.

Thank you for your thoughts, prayers concerns and encouraging words.

Surgery....But WAIT!

I finally, after waiting almost a month, have a date for my Surgery CONSULTATION. March 28th, I was told that the actual Surgery won't be until at least FOUR WEEKS AFTER the Consult.

Needless to say, I am full of mixed emotions. Glad to have an idea of when, but frustrated that I have to wait so long. I've considered finding a new Endocrinologist, but I do trust my current one and he said the surgeon is worth waiting for as he is, and I quote "Outstanding".

So I will continue to take my thyroid inhibitor and try to have an overall healthier lifestyle in hopes of enjoying the wait, (as much a possible).

Fingers crossed that the waiting will go quickly.


Thank you to all who have supported me, I can't tell you how much I appreciate the kind words and offers for help. 

Julie :)

HYPER Again...Next Step Is....

I've not been feeling myself at all lately: racing heart, palpitations, sweating, temp fluctuations, foggy mind/confusion and anxiety among some other things.

I've been in remission for over a year and a half but some Big changes have happened in my life and now I've gone Hyper again! 

I went for blood work about three weeks ago, when my Dr.'s office called to say they received the report, they said I needed to come in asap! Thanks to the holidays, I had to wait until yesterday.

My Dr. wants to do something more permanent. I could do RAI (radioactive iodine) or surgery. I have opted for SURGERY, 95% of my thyroid will be removed.

I am really looking forward to having something done, once and for all. I will admit that I am nervous about the surgery, but I know many people have had this procedure done and are now better for it.

My current levels are:

TSH - 0.01 L

T4, Total - 33.3 H
T3, Uptake - 40 H
T4, Free, Calculated 13.3 H

I am hoping that being on 10mg. methimezole will bring my levels closer to normal so I don't have to wait long for surgery.

Keeping my fingers crossed.

Coming out of Remission...?

The past few weeks I have been feeling some old symptoms creeping back. Had some sort of panic/anxiety attack on my way home from work tonight and my leg started shaking. Scared the crap out of me. My heart has been pounding erratically today. I am hoping that I'll feel better tomorrow, otherwise it's off to the ER. So hoping that GD is not going to take over my life again. I've been in remission for just over a year but now...I feel like life is spiraling out of control again. 

I didn't realize how many symptoms I have had of late, until I started writing them down tonight. So many of them I related to having a cold, or allergies or my menstrual cycle, but seeing them on paper reminds me how everything in the body is connected. 

Symptoms I've been feeling over the past two weeks

• Not sleeping much at night/exhausted all day
• Shooting pains in fingers and arms
• Rapid Heart beat
• Memory lapsing
• Brain fog
• Dry/gritty/heavy eyes
• Drastic Body Temp changes
• Stuffy head and ears
• Can't get deep breath
• Heartburn
• Gas
• Breast enlargement/tenderness
• Back//Hip pain
• Eyes not focusing
• Feeling Jittery/Shaking/trembling hands
• Legs shaking/"jumping" while driving

What is going on!?!

I have not been myself lately, at all. I've been feeling completely disconnected from myself and not interested in anything. As of my last appointment with my Endo, my levels are within normal range. I've been having some added stress, so I have expected to not fully feel myself, but what I've been experiencing is way beyond what I think is just stress. I was completely unaware of any of it though, until recently, when my husband told me what he's noticed.  Now I can see it pretty clearly...

I got my levels checked a couple weeks ago and they are "within normal range", but I did notice that they are elevated from when I was taken off my medication last year.

I've been looking into Depression with Graves, being Euthyroid, and I'm feeling like I am learning about Graves from scratch. I don't remember anything I learned when first diagnosed! Reading the findings, I feel so overwhelmed and I want to curl up in a ball and cry. I don't want to believe that this disease is still affecting me. I want to be done with it!!!

Poem of questions - What do you think?

My World

© Cara Jayde Mackellar

Love. Is that what I crave?
If it is, then why can't I find it?
Hate. Does that mean anger?
If it does, then why do I feel hollow?
Pain. Does that mean suffering?
If it does, then why does it feel comforting?
Memories. Are they not images of the past?
If they are, why is there only shadows?
Smiles. Does that mean happiness?
If it does, then why does it hurt?
Life. What does it mean?
Should it mean any of these things?
If it doesn't, then why are they there?

Source: My World, Alone Poem http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/my-world#ixzz1uTwIwjBN
www.FamilyFriendPoems.com

Feeling frustrated...

I've been mentally blocking myself from dwelling on the fact that this Disease still has so much impact on my life. I've been feeling better, but the mood swings are still around. It's like getting hit with a brick sometimes, other times I'll being doing great and slowly but surely, I start feeling angry or sad for no apparent reason. Which of course, in turn makes me frustrated and more angry... I have also been feeling completely disconnected from myself lately. I am looking into the possibility of depression, but I am hoping that it is just an adjustment period and things will improve as time goes on.

I've been doing some research to find out exactly what the antibody is that defines Graves' Disease. I'm tired of only finding articles about Hyperthyroidism and only small mentions of what Graves' actually is. I know the symptoms, I've dealt with them for over a year now...but WTH?!?!? How come there is no New news on this disease?

A few months ago, I watched  "Behind the Music - Missy Elliot", the story of Missy Elliot's bout with Graves' Disease. Although it's great that she is doing well and that Graves' was talked about, I am sorely disappointed in the way it was portrayed. If I knew nothing about the disease and watched that episode, I would Only think, "Oh, poor Missy E, she lost a ton of weight and got really jittery." (Very sarcastically too, of course). Another "celeb" that was in the news for a thyroid issue was Jose Reyes, former shortstop of the NY Mets (now with the Miami Marlins). His bout with hyperthyroidism was dealt with and brushed under the rug within about a month, and he was only "out of commission" for a couple weeks.

To me, these instances are not appropriately portrayed in the media. Any disease that is as debilitating as Graves', Hashimotos' or spontaneous thyroiditus, should have more coverage, better information available and better "Treatment" options,. Not just Fix 'Em and Forget 'Em.
I can't tell you how many times I've read and heard about Drs. who don't want anything to do with patients, especially those of us who want and need answers. The "Specialists" don't seem to know anything more than the basic conditions of Thyroid diseases. Most of the Drs. that I've found online or have been told about, seem to concentrate on Diabetes, with Thyroid problems as just PART of their practices. With Thyroid Diseases affecting as many people in the world as they do, why isn't there more concrete information and why don't Drs. do more to increase awareness?? Why does it seem that these diseases get brushed off the shoulders of Medical professionals and the Media alike? Is it because it's 'Hormonal" issues?

Awareness needs to be raised, not just about the instant impacts of these diseases, but the residual as well.